Blog Challenge Day 2: Where I'd Like to be in Ten Years

Wow--in ten years I will have a 13 year old and 11 year old! That is hard to imagine!

Career: I am currently a working mommy right now for a lot of reasons (personal satisfaction, finances, wonderful childcare) but one major reason is that I've always felt like I wanted to pay my dues now so I could hopefully pull back when my kids were hitting the middle school years. So, I really hope in 10 years that we are financially in a place where I can afford to work more part time (and by that I mean I want to be able to be home after school and, most ideally, at least a good chunk of the summer). I think the middle school years are so important and so formative and a time when children can really easily slip away from their parents...so I want to make sure I am wholly present for them during that time.

Family: I would really love if our family had grown by one and that we would have three kids. I'm not sure if this is in our future but there is a stubborn little voice in my head on this topic. We'll see...

There are some parts of ten years away that I feel like I can easily imagine but some parts that I can't...and one of those is with the kids. I have a hard time imagining what/where Charlie will be in ten years health-wise. I never knew anyone who couldn't eat or who had a feeding tube when I was growing up so I have a really hard time imagining Charlie as an adolescent still battling these problems and toting around his little backpack. The writing on the wall says that's exactly where we will be...but I can't imagine what it will look like. My greatest hope for him is that he is able to find his identity in all of this and that his medical conditions don't define him socially. I have the same worries for Jack but on a lesser scale.

30 Day Blog Challenge--Your Current Relationship

Alright! I am starting the challenge today!

My current relationship is...married to my husband of 4 years, Jared. We met while working for the same company. We actually met at a technology conference we were both attending. Afterwards, Jared would make random stops at my cubicle. :-) I had a terrible commute to work and someone mentioned he lived in the same general vicinity and knew a better route to work that avoided much of the traffic. I asked him for directions, he suggested we carpool and thus started our friendship. We carpooled together for about 3 months, where we were madly flirting with each other. Finally, we both brought different dates to the company Christmas party but wound up attending an after-party together. We've been together ever since. Jared is the love of my life and I knew very quickly that he was the ONE. We have been through a whole lot in our four short years of marriage...a premature birth and prolonged hospital stay, three job changes on Jared's part, another baby, too many surgeries and medical procedures to count, two major moves (one out of state, one in state but different city)...we've had our ups and downs and it hasn't always been easy but Jared is the only person I would want by my side.

Commenting Challenge and 30-Day Challenge

Alright, so we are two days into my 30-day challenge and I'm failing miserably. In my defense, I have been occupied with visiting sister and nieces, allergies, a quick surgical procedure for Charlie, the Fourth of July, and an upcoming 2 day trip to Wisconsin and then week long visit from sister-in-law and four nieces/nephews. And, throw a few days of work into that equation and I haven't had much time to breathe, let alone write. However, I do love the Blog Comment Challenge that Jenna from Jenna's Journey is hosting, so I am joining in and will resume (start) my 30-day Blog Challenge on the 18th.

We had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend chock-full of the sounds of cousins laughing, running, and playing; new and old friends and family mingling, and feeling the SUN for the first time in months. Oregon summers sure are glorious, when it finally makes its appearance.

I am off to bed as I have a 7:30 am flight to catch tomorrow morning. If you're new here, "we" are Kate (me), husband Jared and our two little boys, Jack and Charlie. More about our story here.

30 Day Blog Challenge

Taking a cue from Monica at The Writer Chic, I am going to attempt a 30-day blog challenge, both in an effort to be more consistent with blogging and see if it is something I can actually stick with. Given my sporadic history...well, we will see. I think it will be a fun way to memorialize what my thoughts were on some topics at this point in my life.

I have a really busy week ahead so I am going to do my best to start on July 5th and go from there.

Here is the list of topics, which I reserve the right to change. :-)

Five Guys and Other Randoms

So, shortly after I wrote the last post, our plans for Jared's graduation got derailed by a trip to the ER followed by a weekend stay in the hospital. Since then, we have a new plan for Charlie that we are hoping will work. Essentially, it has been determined that he has "gastroparesis" or, in layman's terms, his stomach is not moving things out the way it should, which is making him feel full, and causing him to not be able to tolerate the volume of food he needs to thrive (or survive). So, on Monday, we are getting what is called a g-j tube, which will be put in through his existing g-tube but feed him directly into his intestines and skip his stomach altogether. The g-j is a temporary solution as they come out of place frequently and so, if it works, we will get a permanent j-tube placed in about a month. The bummer is it looks like this is going to be a permanent struggle for him. I struggled with this a lot over the past two weeks (it wasn't really my plan for him to have one hole in his stomach, much less two and I certainly never thought it would be permanent) but I am choosing to focus less on that and more on the happy, sweet, funny little boy in front of me. He really is a trooper.

One of the things I miss A LOT about California is In N Out Burger (so much so that I think this isn't my first post on that topic). They apparently have no plans to open stores here in Oregon. Boo. Anyway, I love hamburgers. They are certainly one of my vices and not particularly helpful with weight loss or cholesterol but...so it goes. So, I recently tried Five Guys, for which there is a location close to my house. Five Guys is always busy and I've read they are similar to In N Out. By the way, according to new blog rules, I think I need to state that I am not being compensated by anyone for this review. Anyway, back to the burger. I can see why it has been compared to In n Out--you walk inside and it looks virtually identical! That all ended at the order counter. At Five Guys, you choose what toppings you want. There are no pre-determined packages. By that I mean, you add absolutely everything to the blank burger...nothing comes standard. I wasn't expecting this, so I was a little flustered when I got to the counter and didn't know what to do and there was an impatient line behind me. So, I ordered a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, mayo, ketchup. I'm sure I could have been more adventurous than this but like I said, I was a bit out of my element. I ordered fries, which, like In n Out, they make fresh there. They do not have milkshakes. The burger was good, but not like In N Out. Definitely better than a McDonalds burger or other major chain fast food burger, but not earth-shattering as well. As my friend Tara pointed out, it was kind of like a backyard grill burger. The fries were better tasting than In n Out, I think. But very greasy. All in all, it was as decent a substitution for In n Out as I am going to get here in Oregon but my heart is still in California when it comes to the In n Out burger.

Graduation!!!

This will be a very quick post--as we are headed out the door. We are headed to Eugene to go to dinner with Jared's parents to celebrate Jared's graduation from DePaul University. This has been a crazy four year adventure--since starting his program, we got married, made two major moves, made three job changes, had two children and have spent countless hours, days, and weeks in hospitals with the kids. Yet through it all, Jared persevered in his studies and is graduating TOMORROW with his Bachelor's degree...and then on to grad school. I am so stinkin' proud of my husband!

"Am-a-namce"

Jack's premature birth was my first big failing as a mother. Now, I know that it wasn't my fault, nor did I do anything to cause it other than being the unfortunate carrier of a defective uterus. However, regardless of fault, a mother is supposed to be able to care for their child. In the weeks that Jack spent in the NICU, I was acutely aware that he was being cared for in every way by people far more qualified than I. The one thing I could do, though, and do better than anyone else, was feed him. My milk was better than anything a nurse or doctor or formula company could provide for him. So, I pumped. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock. I had a little portable, cordless pump that was discreet enough that I could pump anywhere I went. I pumped until he was 14 months old. He grew on my milk and I took satisfaction in watching him grow from a tiny 4 pound baby into a toddler. I learned that feeding your child is one of the most intimate and meaningful acts of motherhood. It is one of the first things that shaped my relationship with Jack, that defined me and set me apart as his mother, uniquely qualified to do this very important thing. Feeding your child and choosing how and what and when to feed them is such a defining characteristic of motherhood. It is probably what ignites such passion in the breast vs. bottle debate.

With Charlie, it was all different. At first, I didn't even want to breastfeed because my experience of actual breastfeeding Jack was such a nightmare. I intended to pump for him but had very little interest in breastfeeding. At the urging of friends and sisters and nurses, I gave it a try when Charlie was born. And it was a totally different experience. He learned to breastfeed easily and it was a good match for both of us. For 6 weeks, he grew. Then, he started arching and crying and refusing to eat. His breathing got bad and his weight slowed. We found out he was aspirating as he drank so I reluctantly gave up breastfeeding and started pumping. We gave him bottles of breast milk thickened to the consistency of honey. But, he still didn't gain weight, his breathing was still bad. So, we had a surgery and they gave him a feeding tube and took away oral feeds altogether. I stubbornly continued to pump and give him breast milk through his tube. He screamed through his tube feedings. His weight continued to decline. He had blood in his stomach. We tested my breast milk thinking perhaps it was light on calories. It wasn't, it was very rich, in fact. So, we switched him to a special prescription formula and he gained weight for the first time in 3 months. I was relieved for him--I want him to grow but I am aware that it my milk was causing him major pain and difficulty. I struggled with that for a long time, even though I am so, so grateful for the technology that has made it possible for Charlie to eat.

Yesterday, Charlie took his first ambulance ride ("amanamce" in Jack lingo), the result of intermittent choking episodes at daycare. Upon arrival at the ER, he threw up some blood. His stools then tested positive for blood. That means he is bleeding somewhere in his GI tract.

That morning, before school, I decide to eschew medical advice and I had given him a teeny, tiny bit of strawberry (we are talking about the size of a newborn's pinky fingernail) because I just couldn't say "no" one more time to him and turn around and give his brother what he had politely asked for. Not thrown a fit over but politely asked for. That's what kills me. I just wanted him to have a taste. He choked, I turned him upside down, whacked his back, retrieved the offending bit of strawberry and all seemed okay again. Until his school called asking me to come quickly. I was certain I must have missed something and he had a piece of strawberry in his lungs. I cried the whole drive there, completely panicked over what I had done. Turns out it has nothing to do with the strawberry and instead he has a small tear in his esophagus, the result, I guess of not being able to tolerate his feeds, and so it is making him cough and retch. The blood from the tear then pooled in his esophagus, he would cough to clear it and then choke and gag on it. That's my non-medical understanding of the situation.

We had a follow-up visit with our GI doctor today. He needs some additional testing to figure out why he can't tolerate his feeds, which are currently at the most minimum level they can be at for his size. He is continuously being fed at a rate of just over an ounce an hour and he can't even tolerate that. I look at Charlie for who he is, not in terms of numbers on a chart but today, the doctor showed me his growth chart and pointed out that he has gained less than 4 lbs in a whole year. I already feel out of control with him. I don't get to choose what to feed him, when to feed him, how much to feed him and I still feel like I'm not doing a good job at that. My baby isn't growing and I don't know why. I am frustrated and I know I am in good company because so far, no one else can figure it out either, but it makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I should be able to feed my baby.

Charlie has been the biggest challenge of my life. I wouldn't trade the challenge for anything but I am constantly second guessing my decisions and choices when it comes to him and these situations like yesterday just make it that much harder. I guess this is what real parenthood is all about? Why isn't there a "What to Expect" book for this situation?

Now, to end on a lighter note (I'm actually not drowning in self-pity over here, by the way)...I want to remember this...this weekend, we were at Costco. Jack loves Costco hot dogs but always eats the hot dog and the bun separately. He had finished his hot dog and we were telling him it was time to go and he said he wanted to bring his bun. So, we said "Okay, grab your bun and come on." All of the sudden, Charlie grabs his bum. We weren't sure he did what we thought he did so we said it again, "Grab your bun," and again, he grabbed his bum. It was too cute. :-)